Recruiter

What you’ll actually do (on paper):

• Source, seduce and close senior engineers, product people, designers, growth hackers who are also… unmedicated
• Write job descriptions so horny and unhinged that the right degenerates apply and everyone else self-selects out
• Run a pipeline that moves at the speed of a 4 am decision
• Negotiate offers while both parties are on the comedown
• Attend “industry events” that end at sunrise
• Protect the founders from HR when someone inevitably sues (or proposes a threesome in the same email)

What we actually care about (real list):

• You already have 50–150 high-signal contacts who are talented + deeply unwell
• You can tell within 90 seconds whether someone is going to fit the company culture or whether they’ll cry to their therapist about us
• Zero moral panic when someone DMs you nudes instead of a CV
• Comfortable lying to corporate candidates so the freaks can keep their slots
• You’ve already blacklisted half the “good culture” startups in your city and you’re proud of it

Perks nobody else is offering:

• Unlimited “business development” budget (translates to: party budget)
• No questions asked on expense reports under $800
• Option to be paid partly in crypto
• Founders who will match your energy at 5 am instead of judging it
• Zero drug-test policy (because we would all fail)
• Title is whatever the fuck you want it to be